that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
