I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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