Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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