I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
