Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
