Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
