An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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