God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
