I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
