You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
