2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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