All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
