The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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