I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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