My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A+ Viking dick
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
