Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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