On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
