i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
