I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
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What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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