I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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