R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
