woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
