I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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