we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
