I could make wine with my vomit
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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