If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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