wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
