So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
