my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
