I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
