i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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