I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
