my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
