as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
