I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
