You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
