Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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