Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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