i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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