Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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