Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
