Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
