You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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