woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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