Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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