Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
