did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
someone owes me an orgasm
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
