Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
