Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
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My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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