what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
