I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
