She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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