I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
