Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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