So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
look no pants
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
