but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
